“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)