Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”