Festive toon…
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
termite twitter scares me
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.