Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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This story is comedy gold 😂
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Pass gas, not judgment.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.