A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
The USS B port
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually