Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt