6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
they finally got him. they got macavity
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!