I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.