You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude