I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I bet birds love this building.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.