You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
📽️movie date🎞️
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.