I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.