In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
plant them where lol