someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
They’re called werewolves.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.