(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works