[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom