[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
couldn’t resist
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack