Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Y’all ready for this
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.