Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
You Might Also Like
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Great acting.. 😂
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago