at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.