I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?