I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.