i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
You Might Also Like
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn