[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday