Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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Birds & Planes.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…