Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
You Might Also Like
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
they split up moments later
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.