my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.