If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
That took me a moment.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?