*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
how to market bottled water to dads
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.