When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me