there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
the clam before the storm
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.