If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
sigh
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids