My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!