People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
grotesque if literal: baby food
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
fixed it
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.