zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
You Might Also Like
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.