Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.