Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
just having fun
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
titanic
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work