self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]