If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
You Might Also Like
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.