7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”