If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
When I said I liked it rough.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.