My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off