Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED