“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
This why you should mind your business
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Smells like a challenge to me