Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons