This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
58.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”