Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The “baby” on the left….
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A great tip. #CakeRex
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out