The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.