I need to get some bricks…
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers