Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
what are they serving at kfc then???
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.